[TLV] IC Inbox

[palissant]

[No response can be gained via comms. He isn't interested in making himself available that way.

If you want him, come find him.]

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After his revival

[inthebiblicalsense]

Ethan has found some freedom in being a free-agent, though it's definitely allowed his impulsivity and temper to flare more often now that he feels a little more free, less inclined to walk a straight line when the threat of the war isn't keeping him in check.

He'd come by Verso's cabin a few times since his irritating conversation with Kyler, knocking each time with something home made in hand. Today it's a plate of two croissants, enough to share, and he waits patiently at the door.

It's more than to prove Kyler he isn't a hypocrite, finding himself still irritated even if Kyler's excuse had made some sense, but he still didn't like it. That and he finds himself a little frustrated with himself that he hadn't noticed Verso's decline since he'd spoken to him last, that it had gotten so bad. He has time now though, and hopefully Verso will be receptive to it.

[palissant]

He had woken up, eventually, feeling like hell... and not even realising that anything had happened at first. Just a particularly rough hangover and no surprise given how much he'd been drinking.

The physical reset clued him in. As did Kylar's fumbling announcement which he wasn't actually bothered by (even if he was bothered by other things). And he finds that the idea of having actually died feels precisely as meaningless as he had expected it to.

Any knocks on the door have been ignored for the most part, perhaps completely understandably. When he does decide to answer and finds Ethan standing there with a plate (what is it with people here and offering food, they're all obsessed) he rests his shoulder against the door frame and looks at the young man tiredly.

It doesn't look much like he's thrilled about still being alive, but definitely entirely resigned to it.

"Can I help you with something."

[inthebiblicalsense]

Seeing him fresh and new, Ethan can now see the difference that he hadn't before, the slow decline lost on him without consistency. He manages to keep the surprise off his face, though his eyes do noteably scan. For all Verso knows, he's checking him out just like he did the first time they met.

"Not exactly. I just-" Well, he bites his lip, unsure if this was what he should say, but he's trying not to second guess himself these days. "It bothered me, the announcement. That's happened to me before, someone announcing my death without even waiting for me to wake up."

He nods down to the plate, "and if you didn't care, I thought I'd at least make the interruption worth your while? I baked them myself."

[palissant]

"..."

A soft push of air through his nose. If he notices the visual scan he doesn't show it.

"I'm not thinking about it. I already have a lack of expectation of any real privacy here, so what difference does it make."

It's at least one thing he isn't holding over Kylar's head at the moment. Sounded like he got enough of a telling off from people who cared a bit too much about it at the time anyway.

There's a brief glance down to the plate again. A momentary lingering before he shakes his head.

"Thanks, but I'm not hungry."

[inthebiblicalsense]

"Well, some of us actually believe there should be standards." Which, he realizes might come off wrong, but it isn't like he doesn't believe that? "It isn't any of my business, but I do know that for the future, you can submit your wishes to the infirmary if you end up dying without your assigned warden knowing what you'd like, who you want informed?" Just in case Verso didn't know. "Or, I could write it in your ledger if you wanted me to."

He tries not to be so discouraged when it's obvious Verso wants to get right back to what he'd been doing, "I could leave it? They'll keep for a few days. If you don't want them that's fine, I get nauseous when I toll, so I just thought the bread might be nice."

[palissant]

There's just... a resigned little sigh.

"It doesn't matter. They can leave me where I drop and put up posters for all I care."

It doesn't matter. It's just another thing that happens here and it doesn't change or help anything, and it isn't as if he hasn't been aggressively public with not wanting to be alive anymore. That he'd managed to pull it off shouldn't be a surprise, right?

"What is it with you people and trying to give me food?" Because it's happened a lot. He would have several francs if he had one for every time. "You're all like the local grandma coming around with a pie."

[inthebiblicalsense]

Yelling at a man that it does matter is not the right course of action, but he doesn't quite manage to keep the look off his face that the statement upsets him.

He can tackle the other question more easily though and does thankfully, looking down at the plate and back up at Verso, "You people? If you hadn't noticed, we're all a little stuck indoors, and I like to cook as a hobby. If I knew you didn't like it, I wouldn't have brought anything, though personally I'm rather food motivated, what with having eaten mess food for years. But, I am definitely not anyone's grandma..."

[palissant]

"Yes, you people. The ones who keep bringing food."

There are enough of them now to form a distinct group of 'you people' which is not necessarily derogatory in nature but definitely an identified characteristic amongst the various individuals on the Barge.

He lets out a humourless little half-laugh, pauses, then exhales slowly. His weight pushes heavier on his shoulder.

"Ethan, why are you here."

Because he's noticed this sort of thing too. That visitors only show up when something externally prompts them, not because they necessarily want to or would have come regardless.

[inthebiblicalsense]

Now he has to wonder who ruined this, because he personally would be very excited to get some food, but what ever Verso. His croissants are going to be fed to his boyfriend instead and he'll actually enjoy them.

His shoulders drop when Verso levels him with the straight forward question, though he doesn't look guilty, more upset bleeding into his expression.

"I misjudged how you were doing. I thought you were going to be fine, and you're obviously not."

[palissant]

Well, that's a story with a simple answer, but not one that will get told without prompting. The croissants do look and smell good but when accepting them feels like it comes with strings attached, it's less a kindness and more an obligation.

Other wardens ruined it.

The upset is obvious even for as emotionally distant as Verso currently is.

"If I was giving that impression then I was definitely doing something wrong." Though, he'll give some fairness to Ethan, it isn't as if they see each other much.

"I haven't even been pretending, and I'm told I'm good at that."

[inthebiblicalsense]

"I'm not really very good at reading people? So it's probably my fault." To give credit to Verso's ability to project how not fine he is. He feels awkward standing there, holding the plate as he is, shifting it to one hand, the other gripping his forearm.

"I'm also not very good at pretending myself, so...maybe there's something we both like, or something you like that I could learn that might pass the time less miserably? You'd be able to tell if I hated it and didn't actually want to be there."

[palissant]

Ah, there it is.

He sighs again and looks up at the ceiling for a moment.

"I'm not looking for friends." Yes, he has a couple of people he might call that, but he didn't go looking for them on purpose. "Whatever the process is here, 'connecting' with people, I'm not... I'm not interested."

So many here are just Like This, huh. He pauses, then adds wearily;

"I just drank myself to death, and this isn't even close to the worst I've ever felt. There is no 'passing time less miserably' that's anything more than a temporary reprieve."

[inthebiblicalsense]

"I don't have to be your friend." That's not a condition, especially since he knows he's hung out with people that later told him that they hated him. That stung, sure, but he'd still enjoyed it, being with someone.

"I'm...I'm leaving in May. You're not going to keep me here, I'm not going to try to be your best friend or convince you that this place is the best when I know it isn't. And if you decide you hate it, or hate me, then I'll leave you alone, but a temporary reprieve is still better than suffering every day by yourself."

[palissant]

Thinking that someone is a little dramatic is rich coming from Verso but the thought does idly cross his mind regardless.

"It's not so bad when you're used to it."

And he's really used to it. Far more so than his appearance would suggest.

"But why is this something you suddenly decide to offer now."

[inthebiblicalsense]

He isn't going to challenge that, but he isn't sure he agrees for himself. He survived a year in enemy space living for temporary reprieves. And he would challenge that he's being dramatic about Verso suffering every day when the man just killed himself.

"am I supposed to wait?" He isn't sure why it matters, he's already explained he had missed it, "I would have earlier if I had realized."

[palissant]

"So... you wouldn't be interested in offering to share a hobby or pass the time if I hadn't just succeeded in killing myself."

That's why it matters. That's why he's asking. The intent behind the offer has as much weight as the offer itself particularly with where his head is currently at.

Dying sure didn't cure the depression.

"Is that what you're saying? Or is there something I'm missing."

[inthebiblicalsense]

"What?" Ethan blinks, staring at Verso with surprise for a moment before he shakes his head, "No, that's not- I realized you might want more company because of it, but I'm not going to spend time with you just because you did..."

He looks a little frustrated as he tries to think of what he should say, he really isn't great at this, he even said so up front, "Look, I wasn't in a great place when I got here and some random guy I didn't know pulled me into his room and we just listened to a record for an hour. I hadn't done that in years, it was nice, even if it wasn't anything special. Why do I need a reason to want to try and share something like that with you? He didn't."

[palissant]

"Because it's sounding a lot like you're doing it to make yourself feel better."

Something he does tend to notice a lot of here. That sense of self-gratification in offers and extensions of kindness and how so little of it really feels genuine.

He hasn't shut the door. Hasn't even raised his voice. He just sounds like he's tired. That same quietly empty tone he's had since he got here, only now it's magnified.

[inthebiblicalsense]

Ethan sighs himself, standing up straight and looking Verso in the eyes, "If you think telling me what you think my intentions are is going to get me to decide I don't actually want to try spending time with you, I can stand here for another hour and prove you wrong."

He isn't sure if it's something on his face, or the tone of his voice that makes people think he isn't sincere in his offers, but he does know that being accused of being kind because he's getting something out of it does get rather old after the many times he's had it happen.

"You're not a sad little puppy dog, you're a person. And even if you don't want to be friends, that doesn't make you a project either."

[palissant]

"I don't know enough about you to judge your intentions."

He points this out quite bluntly.

"What I do know is we've barely spoken in months and you only showed up at my door when you realised you hadn't noticed that I was doing badly enough to kill myself."

A sharp sigh through his nose.

"And if that's what it is, if it's some sense of guilt that you didn't see it sooner, if you're here now because only now is when you feel prompted to step up, then that's fine."

He gives a small wave of one hand, the arm he isn't leaning against.

"Because I'm not here to be anyone's project. You're not wrong there. But at least be honest with me."

No matter how hypocritical it might be of him to demand that.

[inthebiblicalsense]

Ethan has been doing his best to not be too honest. Not because he's trying to be deceitful, but he does look at the network, while also having a distinct understanding that people who strongly dislike the barge are often turned off by how open people could be when they do like the barge. It's a rather common pairing with people he's tried to be close enough to be there for and failed.

He folds his arms over his chest, feeling like yes, okay thats a valid question, but at the same time...

"Do you actually want me to be that honest? Because I can be." There is the implied 'but' hanging in the air though, seeing as that never seems to go well for people and he's trying to keep this within the realm of what he thinks is Verso's comfort zone.

[palissant]

His comfort zone is-- well, precious few people actually know what it is. About as many people who really know anything about him at all, which has been kept deliberately small by the fact he seems utterly unwilling to be open about himself beyond a surface level. There have been brief occasions when things have dipped a little deeper... and he has often found himself regretting it later.

"If you would."

He's asked once; it's not an opportunity that will be offered a second time. Shutting the door any time he likes is always an option and he hasn't done that yet. Despite how harsh he might have sounded, what he offered was an opportunity for him to not just decide to cut this interaction short.

"I didn't say all of that for no reason."

[inthebiblicalsense]

Ethan will, he just wanted to clarify, so thank you. Hard to tell between tone, vibes and the words coming out of your mouth that it wasn't just baiting him to prove some point, Verso. He's...unfortunately not had the best luck with making friends who are in bad mental places and is being cautious.

"Alright. Well, a small part is guilt, yes. But I think if it didn't exist at all I'd be an asshole." Or clearly not someone who prioritized people's health and safety, and that just isn't him.

"I do care though, about people in general, about you. Probably a lot more than I should, a lot more than what little social skills and currency I have allows me to show. And that isn't guilt, it's...more like hope and empathy." Which, alright, he does look a little uncomfortable saying so but then he has two boyfriends who arent the most sentimental people in the world, and it makes saying what's actually on his heart feel embarrassing.

"I was stuck, when I got here. And I don't mean to say I know how you feel, because I don't. but my best friend helped me through that. Not because we talked about it for hours, but because he was present, and helped me find pieces of myself I lost through doing mundane things I took for granted. He did that for free, and I want to pay it forward. Not because of my job, or because I need something from you, but because I can and I want to."

[palissant]

"I told you I'm not looking for friends."

He said it and will continue to say it, at least for the near to mid future, because letting too many people here that close feels too much like giving in when that kind of resistance is one of the few things he has left.

And... it still sounds very much like Ethan is mostly doing this for himself, but at least the demand for honesty was met, and he's not shrugging it off onto the 'people are worried about you why don't you care about that' line that has become so tiresome so quickly.

Verso steps out of the cabin, shutting the door firmly behind him.

"You're not coming in." Arms loosely folded. "We can use one of the common rooms and I'll give you a conversation. But that's all."

[inthebiblicalsense]

"I never said we would be." If just mentioning the word friend made him sensitive, well Ethan can't help that.

He takes a step back when Verso steps out, not all that surprised he isnt invited, "can I meet you in a few minutes in the one down the hall? I should put this away before it dries out if you don't want it." Because he still has the plate in his hand, and if they dried out he wouldnt want to share them with anyone else.